I should say hello, after quite some time I have decided to write.
What if I never find my Knight in shining armour ? Or my Prince Charming ?
I don't know. It has been bothering me lately. This particular question swimming in my mind, waiting for the right moment when I am idle to pounce on my blank thoughts. To make me depressed for no reason, to make me feel vulnerable and more insignificant to the world.
Everyone had that someone. Even if that someone let you go when you needed him the most, or you had that first romance that was nice but had to end it because of life, or you have that someone that makes you laugh and does not take everything so seriously and even if that someone was just a very best friend.
I wish I had a boy. Even if it was just a best friend. But alas, I never even had that. I don't know. I can't remember that time when I just had a friend and no complicated, mushy feelings floated around in my heart.
Maybe I'm saddened by the question because I never had someone that was charming like me before. Never have these kind of guys become infatuated with me before. I thought a guy liked me once not too long ago, but apparently it was just for one day and I had miscalculated.
From then on, I have never thought that a guys kind affections and endearing actions was some kind of a sign that he liked me. For me, it was easier (and less embarassing) to decode their friendly cryptic code as well .. coming from just a friend. There never will be awkward confessions and embarassing after-maths.
I have become someone who doesn't know if I'm flirting, or being an attention whore, or being normal or whatever. Are the guys in the 21st century naturally flirty ? I don't know.
Guys aim high. Handsome guys aim high. Ugly guys aim high. Average guys aim high. How does a girl with average-ness survive in this raging jungle of hormones ? We don't. Even if the beautiful girl rejects, denies and objects; the guys will surely persevere on and try to win their hearts. Make them believe that all they ever want to do is be with them and never leave. Make her butterflies go aflutter with their charmingly devilish smile. I wish I have that.
We'll just hope one day that our thorns will fall and new petals will bloom. That this ugly (or average) duckling will turn into an elegant white swan. Or a black swan it doesn't matter.
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I've seen him cross the park twice in a row now. Why does he still make me feel like I'm floating in Cloud nine, makes my heart beat faster and induce a vomiting effect n me with just his actions ? It's not fair. Just by actions alone he makes me feel that. And I will never get that.
Everytime a bunch of boys throws insults at me, I don't mind it. Their words are worthless; splat down to the ground like measly bird droppings. But when ever you open your mouth to hurtle insults at me, they always sting and stab me. Why ?
Maybe it's the way you look at me. Or they way you say it with such disgust laced in your voice. Or the way you sometimes say these insults in a language I don't understand, thus making it harder for me to counter-attack. You make me feel worthless and belittle me. It's just you, it's just you.
That's why I just stay clear of you most of the time. I stare hard at the ground when I pass you; trying to not look at your face. Why do you have this power over me ? You shoud stop with your cool swagger. I know it's already embedded in you but try to control it you know ..?
I suggest you move to the cute side. Wait, I think that would make me fall in .... I won't say I'm in love with you. In my point of view, love is when the feeling is mutual; shared. Love is when I know you; if we're best friends. This is definitely not love , so what am I falling into ..? Am I falling in a crush ? Am I falling in a like ? Or am I just falling into a deep, dark whole with a depth that would make me feel like I'm falling forever .... alone ?
