Been quite some time..

.. since I've written anything here. Guess I've been fairly happy throughout these past few months. But there surely is a reaason, an unhappy reason, why I'm writing a post now.

I've just finished going to a Volleyball match that didn't happen which will be moved to Friday. I was contemplating on not going, then going since I couldn't let anybody down but what the heck, it's just a game anyways and 10 years from now nobody will remember that I didn't attend the match. So I've decided to not go. Whatever.

And somebody made me realised that maybe my un-boyfriendless-ness is due to my own doings. Maybe I should put abit of confidence in myself like I have put in others. I shall from now on think like the people around me who thinks I am the bomb. Because I am the bomb, am I right ?! Right ! Really ...? Still not sure here, but I must try. Like my mum says, it's good to have guy friends now. I shouldn't be thinking that all the good ones will have someone by the time I'm ready to commit (where in the official and standard answer is mid-uni years till working years), I should be thinking all the good ones and the right ones for me will wait for me. And he is gonna be somewhere out there, alone and single;waiting for specifically me, just as God intended. Insyaallah.

In other news, I would like to spend my holidays very relaxed in a do nothing fashion. So I would like to keep my outings to the bare minimum. Either keep it to the minimum or we just do relaxing stuff like lepak at eah others houses while wearing sweatpants and stalking people on Facebook and watching endless movies. That'll be great fun. I feel like I'm getting older; more boring. The younger me would probably try to go out to shopping malls and such but I guess that time has pass and I now enjoy watching shows online in the comfort of my air-conditioned room. (BUT NOT ALL THE TIME READER, I PROMISE) But I would quite fancy a night out. To party, to dance, to meet people. I can't bloody wait for Prom Night now. Can somebody pick up the pace ? Prefect dinner on the 1st of July. Can't wait for that too.

It's better that we don't really have a tradition of getting dates. It'll be awkward as well as heart-breaking if you didn't get a proposal. Yeah, that's what they're calling them now. Promposal. Lots of elaborate ones, but if it does happen (A miracle I tell you) simple and sweet would do the trick. I would just burst into tears really. Because no guy has ever done that. Sounds pathetic, cannot ! #WomenPower

That's all for now. Good to have a place to say all this. Bye, till next time. /heart

WARNING : Emotionally Unstable Individual straight ahead

Hi. Why can't a guy use dear with me WHYYYYYYY I don't even know Jawline, I should really not be an emotional wreck over this. DO I WANT A BOYFRIEND OR NOT ? yes no maybe ...... what the bloody fuck. I am incoherent because it's late at night and I'm tire but I have to do stupid Photography stuff and not do my homework and deffo not study. What is wrong in this picture ?

FUCK EVERYONE//

He said he had a dream and in the dream everybody had a reunion during our college years and everybody brought their better halves. He said his girlfriend in the dream was some hot malay chick and said he doesn't mind any other race. IS THIS AN OPENING ? ISN'T THIS A SIGN THAT THE HIGHER POWER IS GIVING YOU A HINT THAT I'M RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU ? I shall stop now. Should I make this blog private dear single reader ? For you only. Takut people will find out. Getting very paranoid now. #notagoodthing

Stupid

Ye la dia mengandung kesian kat dia, TAK KESIAN KAN AKU KE FUCKER ? Bangang sial cakap dengan kau.

ARGH Why do I have to do all the bloody work ? You're suppose to do all this utter crap or we do it together and then tak datang la benda ala. URGH. Who has to mother trucking stayback ? Me. Alone. AND I have to type out shit. Which was suppose to be YOUR job.

This is stupid. Other people in different schools do alot more than me but they're more energetic than me. So are THEY the ones who are superhuman or am I just a whiny bitch ? Probably the latter. I feel like crap. I want to sleep. I want to study. But cannnooottttt. -,-

Fictional #1

"She's pretty. Nice too. You mom would like her."

"My mom never met you."

I lamented, "But you know she'll like her better. She's the easier choice."

"She might be the easier choice, but the decision is still hard."

Silence invaded our privacy. It consumed us like waves are to a surfer.

"This reminds me of a poem," I said as I broke the silence.

"What poem ?"

"Two roads diverged. One is familiar and had the better claim and one, the road less taken."

"Which one should I choose then?"

"The road less taken."

DON'T FUCKING AMBIK CUTI CAN OR NOT ? DON'T MOTHER FUCKING MAKE ME FEEL BAD BECAUSE I HAVE STUFF TO DO. OTHER PARENTS WANT THEIR KIDS TO ENTER ALL THIS FUCKING ACTIVITIES BUT THEN YOU DON'T WANT. HOW TO GET SCHOLARSHIP ? TELL ME HOW ? FUCK.

Why do we even have to train everyday anyways ? Bloody takde masa sial. Ingat free sangat ke sial. The flying fuck. Rasa nak quit je bangang.

Game Over.

I should be a psychic. Two days after the post. BAM In a relationship with girlfriend, sans bestfriend. GAME OVER.

Regret ... Maybe ?

I feel a bit regretful in the sense that I didn't embrace the teenage culture that has been long associated with teenagers. I.E Sweet Sixteen party, a boyfriend etc. etc.

A bit. A bit.

I know his relationship is going to go onto the next level of stable when he will change his "I'm Married To..." status on Facebook from his best friend to his girlfriend. That will be the time when that voice in my brain will shout (with a particularly deep voice) GAME OVER.

Why all of a sudden these feelings ...? I don't even know him. It's been WOAH 5 years ? Is he going to be another H ? Unrecruited feelings but my heart still flutters everytime I see him ?

NUUUUUUUUUUU NOT ANOTHER H

Why does he have to look more handsome every time I see him SIGH I don't even know him.

This is exactly like H. What have I done with myself.

I shall retreat bye. REGRET REGRET (Over what also I don't know)

Feelings.

The sole person to count on in this whole wide world is yourself. Why can't we have conversations with ourselves and still be sane ? We know what we're thinking about, we won't get on each others nerves, we know what we can or can't achieve. No hopes, no expectations. Maybe I should be a loner ?

I guess now, I know what it feels like when a person decides to push everyone away as an option. But will I ever do that ? I think I can't. Because I care too much about other people and what they might think if I do shun them out of my life.

The truth is I do need people. But I don't want the drama and the kecik hati. Is it not possible to have friends who won't be mad at you ?

I have responsibilities to carry out you know, people count on me. Why do you chastised me for forgetting something ? It's not deliberate, I'm a forgetful person. I'm sorry. Forgetting soemthing does not mean that something is not important, I just forget. It's not intentional.

If I purposely did not do what I'm suppose to do, then I can get punished. I don't care if people don't remember to text me things, I won't get mad if you forgot to Skype with me or whatever. I it just me or is there someone out there who does the same ?

I am pretty jealous of what BARBICUM and N.Qadija has. They seem really great as best friends.

Maybe I should be my best friend. Crying together, laughing together. We can laugh at YouTube videos right ? Lame I know. I kinda wish my sister grows up faster, I can talk to her and she'll always be on my side. But she's not growing up any faster,

Maybe I'll never marry. What if I'll never find a guy ? What if marriage life is too hard for me ? Maybe if I marry me and my husband will fight a lot ? What if he will not be there for me ? to stressful. Maybe I should look into becoming an andartu. That'll be my career path. An andartu. Not an engineer or someone in broadcasting but an andartu.

I almost always cry whenever I blog long posts.

I'll just read again whatever random thoughts that I've written and advise myself about things. I won't be judged. I'll just have me. Sad and depressing.





The blog is the closest I can get to having a pyschologist and a therapy session.

Psychologist.

Maybe I should get myself a psychologist.

Watched SNSD Dangerous Boys and they had psychologists evaluate the Dangerous boys drawings. One of them had a 'Mask of Depression'. The psychologist said he's trying to be bright on the outside when on the inside he's depressed. Am I like that ? Trying to figure that out.

Daughter's

Maybe I should call my daughters either Chloe or Olivia or Magda ? Nama Mat Salleh tu. Okay bye.