High School

Maybe having a boyfriend is not worth it.

Maybe it's like starting cigarettes or drugs, once you've had a taste of them you never want to stop. It'll be better if you don't start because it will be that much harder to stop if you've begun. Once you've had a taste of how having a significant other in your life, you'll constantly crave that attention and partnership. You'll start feeling lonely when you have parted with a recent boyfriend/girlfriend.

So what's the point of me wallowing in my lonesome sadness when there's nothing to wallow about .. maybe ?

I guess you can safely deduce that I'm saying these things because I haven't felt the euphoria lovers get when they're falling for each other.

What are boyfriends for anyways these days ?

Someone to talk to ? Don't I have enough guy friends that do that and who doesn't realize that I'm falling for them.

Someone to make me feel all fluttery inside ? Someone who I can talk to whenever ?

But they also need more attention, more love which equals more effort, more time etc. Do I really think boyfriends are useless and am I actually trying to convince myself that I don't need boyfriend ? YES But it's not working.

Maybe I'm just curious about the whole concept. Curious about what it feels like when a guy pays more attention to you and laughs when you make a joke and doesn't insult you and tells you that you look nice and banter around with you. Because that shit never happens to me.

In other things I saw this chinese guy the other day. Pretty sure that guy was from my school, eating out with his Malay girlfriend. I felt insanely sad. Why can't I have that WHY ? But the girl was pretty so I guess that explains it.

Sometimes writing things down makes things even worse. It makes you sound more pathetic than you already are. It makes your stupid thoughts sound even more stupid.

URGH.