I'm not really into the New Year spirit, it hasn't been a big celebration since I think 2 years ago. Today I just sat at home doing nothing and watched Ombak Rindu. God. The most horrible movie ever.
I hated the fade in/fade out transition that was poorly and overly used. So fucking amateurish. I like fade in/fade out when it's brilliantly used. UGH UGH UGH Bad script, bad story arch. Good actors though but just lousy lousy script and directing.
Okay, not a way to end the year with a big bang I guess. We're going to go eat at a Mamak. On New Years Eve. This sounds pathetic.
So what have this past year taught me ? I can't remember much to be honest because, well, my memory is meh at best. But there are things that I hope and wish for the New Year thats coming quite too soon.
Friends. I hope you'll be there for me, because Insyallah I will. I hope it'll be a smooth ride, some people say you need bumps in your life but is it really that necessary ? To fight and shit ? I don't know, maybe it does make the bond stronger but I don't believe in it. I'm weird that way. Or maybe I'm just too hopeful.
I guess what I want to say is I hope you guys won't go ape shit on me because I won't go ape shit on you.
My mom thought knocked up is when a man hit a woman. I was appalled that she didn't know the meaning of the slang of this generation. We are going to be some weird grandparents some day.
I've lost touch with the make-sentimental-New-Year's-post self but I hop this will do. :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY !
31.12.11
30.12.11
Social Media
I feel like writing in Times New Roman today. I don't know why.
Social media scares the fuck outta me. What if I don't reply to a tweet fast enough or don't reply period and that person gets mad or whatever. I would always think of the worse, then I can't concentrate on the things that I'm doing. I'll be just spending my time stalking that person, see if they tweet or facebook or tumblr anything vaguely ambiguous about them getting mad at me. But seriously what use is it when I do actually know that they're mad at me? Does it make me feel worse than just me wondering if they're mad at me ?
I don't apologize that well. I don't like to apologize not because of my ego ( a psychologist would say "It is actually partly because of your ego." and I'll just nod and agree ) but because I don't really know what the fuck I'm suppose to say or do. And I generally fucking hate it when I have to do things that I do not know how to do. Go make a fool of yourself in front of the public eye; will do. Go fucking book a fucking aeroplane; hell no. Look, if you ask me to ask someone how to do it, I'll gladly do that and do that thing that I'm suppose to be doing, but if there is no someone to ask, yeah .. no. Sorry, but no. There is no handbook to tell me what I need to do to make things better; no clear path. It's not like a recipe where you do exactly what it says and it'll turn out a predictable delicious dish. If I do or say something I can't predict what she will do; and it scares me.
I'm deviating. I always do that. Meh.
I find myself asking "How was the world before social media ?" How did the older generation laugh, or find their soul mate, or make all these "...but I took an arrow to the knee." comments; which are hilarious by the way. I just .. don't get it. You just talk and people will laugh ? We do that now too but it's strangely hard for me to grasp. Maybe we as a generation am too absorbed in social media-ness.
For people like me, who sometimes reply too late or don't reply at all because I spaced out or I forgot or I went on the Internet and got distracted or spaced out. Because I do that a lot. The social media makes people assume and forces people to be constantly online because if you don't you're considered neglecting a friend or not keeping up to date.
What am I going to do if a legitimate boyfriend comes along, I don't think I can handle lor.
I'll be just moping around and shit. Not studying. Not focused. Is this even a legit problem ? Like is this a problem that people might get concerned with or is this a problem that everyone has them and I should just deal with it ?
I read a book and it's called "If We Kiss" and it kinda gave me a new perspective. In my opinion a bad friend is when you're trying to backstab a person and you're a fake friend who just wants to put you down intentionally. Like they want to see you fall flat on your face. I now approve of a friend who wants to take away my boyfriend, I'll be all sad and shit but I'll still be your friend don't worry. Unless you know , he's my husband. Because sometimes they themselves don't know they're falling in love with your boyfriend. If it's intentionally trying to put his dong in your hole then that's a different matter. The bottom line is sometimes people have wants and needs and sometimes it contradicts what you should or shouldn't do. I don't know. To me it's pretty simple ( or not ....? Am I gonna regret saying this ? ) if you do not want to intentionally fucking bring me down, you're a friend.
But the thing is I kinda expect people to do that to me to, to treat me that way. Is that wrong ? Probably. I hope my friends will not do anything to hurt me if I had not hurt them in a really big way. It sounds stupid but what ever. I'm just writing down what's in my mind. I guess putting too much high hopes is not good anyways.
Social media scares the fuck outta me. What if I don't reply to a tweet fast enough or don't reply period and that person gets mad or whatever. I would always think of the worse, then I can't concentrate on the things that I'm doing. I'll be just spending my time stalking that person, see if they tweet or facebook or tumblr anything vaguely ambiguous about them getting mad at me. But seriously what use is it when I do actually know that they're mad at me? Does it make me feel worse than just me wondering if they're mad at me ?
I don't apologize that well. I don't like to apologize not because of my ego ( a psychologist would say "It is actually partly because of your ego." and I'll just nod and agree ) but because I don't really know what the fuck I'm suppose to say or do. And I generally fucking hate it when I have to do things that I do not know how to do. Go make a fool of yourself in front of the public eye; will do. Go fucking book a fucking aeroplane; hell no. Look, if you ask me to ask someone how to do it, I'll gladly do that and do that thing that I'm suppose to be doing, but if there is no someone to ask, yeah .. no. Sorry, but no. There is no handbook to tell me what I need to do to make things better; no clear path. It's not like a recipe where you do exactly what it says and it'll turn out a predictable delicious dish. If I do or say something I can't predict what she will do; and it scares me.
I'm deviating. I always do that. Meh.
I find myself asking "How was the world before social media ?" How did the older generation laugh, or find their soul mate, or make all these "...but I took an arrow to the knee." comments; which are hilarious by the way. I just .. don't get it. You just talk and people will laugh ? We do that now too but it's strangely hard for me to grasp. Maybe we as a generation am too absorbed in social media-ness.
For people like me, who sometimes reply too late or don't reply at all because I spaced out or I forgot or I went on the Internet and got distracted or spaced out. Because I do that a lot. The social media makes people assume and forces people to be constantly online because if you don't you're considered neglecting a friend or not keeping up to date.
What am I going to do if a legitimate boyfriend comes along, I don't think I can handle lor.
I'll be just moping around and shit. Not studying. Not focused. Is this even a legit problem ? Like is this a problem that people might get concerned with or is this a problem that everyone has them and I should just deal with it ?
I read a book and it's called "If We Kiss" and it kinda gave me a new perspective. In my opinion a bad friend is when you're trying to backstab a person and you're a fake friend who just wants to put you down intentionally. Like they want to see you fall flat on your face. I now approve of a friend who wants to take away my boyfriend, I'll be all sad and shit but I'll still be your friend don't worry. Unless you know , he's my husband. Because sometimes they themselves don't know they're falling in love with your boyfriend. If it's intentionally trying to put his dong in your hole then that's a different matter. The bottom line is sometimes people have wants and needs and sometimes it contradicts what you should or shouldn't do. I don't know. To me it's pretty simple ( or not ....? Am I gonna regret saying this ? ) if you do not want to intentionally fucking bring me down, you're a friend.
But the thing is I kinda expect people to do that to me to, to treat me that way. Is that wrong ? Probably. I hope my friends will not do anything to hurt me if I had not hurt them in a really big way. It sounds stupid but what ever. I'm just writing down what's in my mind. I guess putting too much high hopes is not good anyways.
16.11.11
High School
Maybe having a boyfriend is not worth it.
Maybe it's like starting cigarettes or drugs, once you've had a taste of them you never want to stop. It'll be better if you don't start because it will be that much harder to stop if you've begun. Once you've had a taste of how having a significant other in your life, you'll constantly crave that attention and partnership. You'll start feeling lonely when you have parted with a recent boyfriend/girlfriend.
So what's the point of me wallowing in my lonesome sadness when there's nothing to wallow about .. maybe ?
I guess you can safely deduce that I'm saying these things because I haven't felt the euphoria lovers get when they're falling for each other.
What are boyfriends for anyways these days ?
Someone to talk to ? Don't I have enough guy friends that do that and who doesn't realize that I'm falling for them.
Someone to make me feel all fluttery inside ? Someone who I can talk to whenever ?
But they also need more attention, more love which equals more effort, more time etc. Do I really think boyfriends are useless and am I actually trying to convince myself that I don't need boyfriend ? YES But it's not working.
Maybe I'm just curious about the whole concept. Curious about what it feels like when a guy pays more attention to you and laughs when you make a joke and doesn't insult you and tells you that you look nice and banter around with you. Because that shit never happens to me.
In other things I saw this chinese guy the other day. Pretty sure that guy was from my school, eating out with his Malay girlfriend. I felt insanely sad. Why can't I have that WHY ? But the girl was pretty so I guess that explains it.
Sometimes writing things down makes things even worse. It makes you sound more pathetic than you already are. It makes your stupid thoughts sound even more stupid.
URGH.
Maybe it's like starting cigarettes or drugs, once you've had a taste of them you never want to stop. It'll be better if you don't start because it will be that much harder to stop if you've begun. Once you've had a taste of how having a significant other in your life, you'll constantly crave that attention and partnership. You'll start feeling lonely when you have parted with a recent boyfriend/girlfriend.
So what's the point of me wallowing in my lonesome sadness when there's nothing to wallow about .. maybe ?
I guess you can safely deduce that I'm saying these things because I haven't felt the euphoria lovers get when they're falling for each other.
What are boyfriends for anyways these days ?
Someone to talk to ? Don't I have enough guy friends that do that and who doesn't realize that I'm falling for them.
Someone to make me feel all fluttery inside ? Someone who I can talk to whenever ?
But they also need more attention, more love which equals more effort, more time etc. Do I really think boyfriends are useless and am I actually trying to convince myself that I don't need boyfriend ? YES But it's not working.
Maybe I'm just curious about the whole concept. Curious about what it feels like when a guy pays more attention to you and laughs when you make a joke and doesn't insult you and tells you that you look nice and banter around with you. Because that shit never happens to me.
In other things I saw this chinese guy the other day. Pretty sure that guy was from my school, eating out with his Malay girlfriend. I felt insanely sad. Why can't I have that WHY ? But the girl was pretty so I guess that explains it.
Sometimes writing things down makes things even worse. It makes you sound more pathetic than you already are. It makes your stupid thoughts sound even more stupid.
URGH.
15.11.11
An Open Letter To Boys
Dear boys,
We, as girls, need not conform to your stupid mold of what a girl should be. We do not need to stop being 'over perasan' and think that your stupid kind ways is just a 'friendship'. We are incapable of doing so. (Okay, some girls can do it but whatever.)
The point is YOU need to change to. You can't just be really nice to a girl and not expect the girl to think you like her. BITCH. You guys need to sedar that WE do not have a radar that tells us whether you are interested or not.
*sigh*
All of the crap articles nowadays on the internet or in magazines about "How To Know If A Guy Likes You" are all BOGUS CRAP. I don't know whether this is only applicable only to Malaysian boys but whatever the 'signs' that says they 'like' you, all em' boys do it. EXAMPLE ;
"He gets closer to you when he speaks and moves his body closer to you when he speaks."
BOYS - "Yeah well, it's because girls can't hear us. I needs to get closer to her ear and speak. It doesn't mean I likes her or shit because it's a normal thing to do. It's the most logical thing to do."
Yeah it's normal but why can't the guy just speak louder. Assholic jerk, stop giving me all the wrong signs.
Why does this need to be so difficult. Why don't guys tell me they like me ? Why why why ? Not even as a joke ? Am I that unattractive and plain ? Maybe I am plain I guess......
What should I do exactly. GAWD. My whole life is like a feels like a Sims game, where I have to choose what actions to do and hope it'll be the best. The difference when other people play The Sims, they try to do well for themselves; build a larger house and try not to die etc. etc. Whereas when I play The Sims my objective is to find love.
So in my mind I'm constantly making decisions on how this would impact what guys think of me. Certain guys not all of them. (I think .....?)
I don't know what I'm talking about. I reread it and it's pretty gibberish. Will I be forever alone ? I'm starting to wonder if this feeling of self-pity is as addictive as falling in love. I do sometimes feel good when I feel bad about myself. (THE MINDFUCKINESS I KNOW) But yeah, sometimes I think that being single is way better than being in a relationship;less messy. That kinda scares me a little.
What if that feeling nibbles until, at the end I'm nothing but just crumbles of loneliness. The more I feel like getting into a relationship and wanting a boyfriend (and successfully failing at it) , the more I feel like it's just better off not having someone that's not permanent and doesn't have a return policy nor a warranty.
I don't know what I want.
I've always wanted a relationship thats based on friendship. A friend turned boyfriend type thing. But in the recent months, I'll have to rethink that because being friends with the guy tells you that the guy doesn't really wanna be with you in a romantic relationship. They just want to be friends.
Thus, guys need to say straight up that they like me to make it work. Which will never happen in a million years so I guess I'll be single for the rest of my life.
Maybe what I want in a guy is too much.
I hate it when a guy knows you like him and you're not particularly his type and/or beautiful , he'll just blatantly ignores you and suddenly you don't exist. FUCK IT, OKAY. I can live without your sorry ass. I hope I can fucking become beautiful in the fucking future and fucking show you what you let go. Fucktards.
Maybe I am ugly.
We, as girls, need not conform to your stupid mold of what a girl should be. We do not need to stop being 'over perasan' and think that your stupid kind ways is just a 'friendship'. We are incapable of doing so. (Okay, some girls can do it but whatever.)
The point is YOU need to change to. You can't just be really nice to a girl and not expect the girl to think you like her. BITCH. You guys need to sedar that WE do not have a radar that tells us whether you are interested or not.
*sigh*
All of the crap articles nowadays on the internet or in magazines about "How To Know If A Guy Likes You" are all BOGUS CRAP. I don't know whether this is only applicable only to Malaysian boys but whatever the 'signs' that says they 'like' you, all em' boys do it. EXAMPLE ;
"He gets closer to you when he speaks and moves his body closer to you when he speaks."
BOYS - "Yeah well, it's because girls can't hear us. I needs to get closer to her ear and speak. It doesn't mean I likes her or shit because it's a normal thing to do. It's the most logical thing to do."
Yeah it's normal but why can't the guy just speak louder. Assholic jerk, stop giving me all the wrong signs.
Why does this need to be so difficult. Why don't guys tell me they like me ? Why why why ? Not even as a joke ? Am I that unattractive and plain ? Maybe I am plain I guess......
What should I do exactly. GAWD. My whole life is like a feels like a Sims game, where I have to choose what actions to do and hope it'll be the best. The difference when other people play The Sims, they try to do well for themselves; build a larger house and try not to die etc. etc. Whereas when I play The Sims my objective is to find love.
So in my mind I'm constantly making decisions on how this would impact what guys think of me. Certain guys not all of them. (I think .....?)
I don't know what I'm talking about. I reread it and it's pretty gibberish. Will I be forever alone ? I'm starting to wonder if this feeling of self-pity is as addictive as falling in love. I do sometimes feel good when I feel bad about myself. (THE MINDFUCKINESS I KNOW) But yeah, sometimes I think that being single is way better than being in a relationship;less messy. That kinda scares me a little.
What if that feeling nibbles until, at the end I'm nothing but just crumbles of loneliness. The more I feel like getting into a relationship and wanting a boyfriend (and successfully failing at it) , the more I feel like it's just better off not having someone that's not permanent and doesn't have a return policy nor a warranty.
I don't know what I want.
I've always wanted a relationship thats based on friendship. A friend turned boyfriend type thing. But in the recent months, I'll have to rethink that because being friends with the guy tells you that the guy doesn't really wanna be with you in a romantic relationship. They just want to be friends.
Thus, guys need to say straight up that they like me to make it work. Which will never happen in a million years so I guess I'll be single for the rest of my life.
Maybe what I want in a guy is too much.
I hate it when a guy knows you like him and you're not particularly his type and/or beautiful , he'll just blatantly ignores you and suddenly you don't exist. FUCK IT, OKAY. I can live without your sorry ass. I hope I can fucking become beautiful in the fucking future and fucking show you what you let go. Fucktards.
Maybe I am ugly.
13.9.11
Long time eh, friend.
I should say hello, after quite some time I have decided to write.
What if I never find my Knight in shining armour ? Or my Prince Charming ?
I don't know. It has been bothering me lately. This particular question swimming in my mind, waiting for the right moment when I am idle to pounce on my blank thoughts. To make me depressed for no reason, to make me feel vulnerable and more insignificant to the world.
Everyone had that someone. Even if that someone let you go when you needed him the most, or you had that first romance that was nice but had to end it because of life, or you have that someone that makes you laugh and does not take everything so seriously and even if that someone was just a very best friend.
I wish I had a boy. Even if it was just a best friend. But alas, I never even had that. I don't know. I can't remember that time when I just had a friend and no complicated, mushy feelings floated around in my heart.
Maybe I'm saddened by the question because I never had someone that was charming like me before. Never have these kind of guys become infatuated with me before. I thought a guy liked me once not too long ago, but apparently it was just for one day and I had miscalculated.
From then on, I have never thought that a guys kind affections and endearing actions was some kind of a sign that he liked me. For me, it was easier (and less embarassing) to decode their friendly cryptic code as well .. coming from just a friend. There never will be awkward confessions and embarassing after-maths.
I have become someone who doesn't know if I'm flirting, or being an attention whore, or being normal or whatever. Are the guys in the 21st century naturally flirty ? I don't know.
Guys aim high. Handsome guys aim high. Ugly guys aim high. Average guys aim high. How does a girl with average-ness survive in this raging jungle of hormones ? We don't. Even if the beautiful girl rejects, denies and objects; the guys will surely persevere on and try to win their hearts. Make them believe that all they ever want to do is be with them and never leave. Make her butterflies go aflutter with their charmingly devilish smile. I wish I have that.
We'll just hope one day that our thorns will fall and new petals will bloom. That this ugly (or average) duckling will turn into an elegant white swan. Or a black swan it doesn't matter.
--
I've seen him cross the park twice in a row now. Why does he still make me feel like I'm floating in Cloud nine, makes my heart beat faster and induce a vomiting effect n me with just his actions ? It's not fair. Just by actions alone he makes me feel that. And I will never get that.
Everytime a bunch of boys throws insults at me, I don't mind it. Their words are worthless; splat down to the ground like measly bird droppings. But when ever you open your mouth to hurtle insults at me, they always sting and stab me. Why ?
Maybe it's the way you look at me. Or they way you say it with such disgust laced in your voice. Or the way you sometimes say these insults in a language I don't understand, thus making it harder for me to counter-attack. You make me feel worthless and belittle me. It's just you, it's just you.
That's why I just stay clear of you most of the time. I stare hard at the ground when I pass you; trying to not look at your face. Why do you have this power over me ? You shoud stop with your cool swagger. I know it's already embedded in you but try to control it you know ..?
I suggest you move to the cute side. Wait, I think that would make me fall in .... I won't say I'm in love with you. In my point of view, love is when the feeling is mutual; shared. Love is when I know you; if we're best friends. This is definitely not love , so what am I falling into ..? Am I falling in a crush ? Am I falling in a like ? Or am I just falling into a deep, dark whole with a depth that would make me feel like I'm falling forever .... alone ?
What if I never find my Knight in shining armour ? Or my Prince Charming ?
I don't know. It has been bothering me lately. This particular question swimming in my mind, waiting for the right moment when I am idle to pounce on my blank thoughts. To make me depressed for no reason, to make me feel vulnerable and more insignificant to the world.
Everyone had that someone. Even if that someone let you go when you needed him the most, or you had that first romance that was nice but had to end it because of life, or you have that someone that makes you laugh and does not take everything so seriously and even if that someone was just a very best friend.
I wish I had a boy. Even if it was just a best friend. But alas, I never even had that. I don't know. I can't remember that time when I just had a friend and no complicated, mushy feelings floated around in my heart.
Maybe I'm saddened by the question because I never had someone that was charming like me before. Never have these kind of guys become infatuated with me before. I thought a guy liked me once not too long ago, but apparently it was just for one day and I had miscalculated.
From then on, I have never thought that a guys kind affections and endearing actions was some kind of a sign that he liked me. For me, it was easier (and less embarassing) to decode their friendly cryptic code as well .. coming from just a friend. There never will be awkward confessions and embarassing after-maths.
I have become someone who doesn't know if I'm flirting, or being an attention whore, or being normal or whatever. Are the guys in the 21st century naturally flirty ? I don't know.
Guys aim high. Handsome guys aim high. Ugly guys aim high. Average guys aim high. How does a girl with average-ness survive in this raging jungle of hormones ? We don't. Even if the beautiful girl rejects, denies and objects; the guys will surely persevere on and try to win their hearts. Make them believe that all they ever want to do is be with them and never leave. Make her butterflies go aflutter with their charmingly devilish smile. I wish I have that.
We'll just hope one day that our thorns will fall and new petals will bloom. That this ugly (or average) duckling will turn into an elegant white swan. Or a black swan it doesn't matter.
--
I've seen him cross the park twice in a row now. Why does he still make me feel like I'm floating in Cloud nine, makes my heart beat faster and induce a vomiting effect n me with just his actions ? It's not fair. Just by actions alone he makes me feel that. And I will never get that.
Everytime a bunch of boys throws insults at me, I don't mind it. Their words are worthless; splat down to the ground like measly bird droppings. But when ever you open your mouth to hurtle insults at me, they always sting and stab me. Why ?
Maybe it's the way you look at me. Or they way you say it with such disgust laced in your voice. Or the way you sometimes say these insults in a language I don't understand, thus making it harder for me to counter-attack. You make me feel worthless and belittle me. It's just you, it's just you.
That's why I just stay clear of you most of the time. I stare hard at the ground when I pass you; trying to not look at your face. Why do you have this power over me ? You shoud stop with your cool swagger. I know it's already embedded in you but try to control it you know ..?
I suggest you move to the cute side. Wait, I think that would make me fall in .... I won't say I'm in love with you. In my point of view, love is when the feeling is mutual; shared. Love is when I know you; if we're best friends. This is definitely not love , so what am I falling into ..? Am I falling in a crush ? Am I falling in a like ? Or am I just falling into a deep, dark whole with a depth that would make me feel like I'm falling forever .... alone ?
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